Fear

Fear: (n) 1. a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.
(from dictionary.com)

There are more definitions, of course, but this one fits pretty well. I am afraid. In general, I don't show fear, for pretty much the same reasons that I don't cry in front of people. In fact, there have been 2 occasions in the past 10-plus years when I have shown fear in front of my family. Both of them are still talked about.

One of them involved a very large spider that jumped out of a drain in an infrequently used sink while I had my glasses off. Now, I'm blind as a bat without my glasses. 12 point font is too blurry to be read at 10 to 13 inches from my eyes (depending on which eye I'm using -- my right eye is worse). Without my glasses on, I could clearly see this spider posturing, see the aggressive positioning of its forelegs and the movement of its chelicerae (mandibles in non-spiders. Yes, I looked it up.). Freaked me the hell out, because I'm really, really not a fan of spiders near me. They're fine away from me, killing bugs and all that. Just not if I can see them.

I yelped. My sister and the dog we were dog-sitting both came to see what was going on, and my sister wouldn't get within 6 feet of the sink because she could see the size of the spider and wasn't getting near it. Neither was the dog, but she's a known chicken. I put my glasses back on and dealt with it, although my sister urged me to just shut the door and stuff a towel under it until the dog's owners got home in a few days. (My sister and Phil Jupitus have a bit in common there -- the relevant bit about his living room runs from about 4:30 to 5:00, although the whole thing is funny. There are 3 parts to it, and I highly recommend them all if you have some time, although you'll need about 25 minutes.)

The other time involved school and applying to the HIT program. I think the problem that time was that, if I wasn't accepted, I had no idea what on earth I was going to do. This one doesn't get laughed about when it's brought up. I don't say much of anything, and my mom and sister look at me out of the corner of their eyes and then at each other with a "What the hell's wrong with her" sort of expression. Good times.

Right now, I'm afraid of this winter. I don't usually feel this bad until the middle of January at the earliest, and I've been fighting it since early November. I can't quite imagine what February's going to be like. And I think that I probably don't want to know.

Part of the problem, I'm sure, is that school is not going well, and I don't really expect to be allowed to remain in the HIT program after this semester. This means, of course, that once again I have no idea what on earth I'm going to do. I don't think I could manage a full-time job right now. There's no guarantee that I could find one, even if I could handle it. And yet, my mom's 65. She wants to retire next spring. I know that the fact that I'm not working makes her worry about retiring. In school, with decent job prospects when I complete the program, I think she probably would have risked it, since I'd be working within a year or so of her retirement. But if I'm not working, if I can't? I just don't know.

I'm sure I sound like a broken record here, but I really think this all goes back to the pneumonia in 2007. Before that, I could work. I could walk at least half a mile at one go, although it wasn't much fun. I believed that things would work out, that I'd get accepted to the programs I was planning to apply to, that I'd find work after I graduated, that said work would allow me to get my own place. Now, I don't think I can work, I can't walk, and I really don't believe such pipedreams. Maybe the antibiotics shouldn't have worked. Maybe I was supposed to die then. It sure as hell would have been easier, since I was so sick that I didn't understand how sick I was, so oxygen-deprived that I couldn't comprehend the danger I was in.

I almost wish I'd get H1N1 or something. Some real disease that sometimes kills people. Then I could die without it being my fault.